All I Want For Christmas Is Calhoun

[vivariummods]

Well, it's yet another day of AB Rounds. For anyone keeping track, it's been three days since their second Calhoun Hour event, so they're back to playing in these terrible puzzle rooms. Calhoun even calls everyone to the second floor so time to trek along... But instead of finding a brand new set of doors, everyone will find... Christmas decorations? A small Christmas tree in the centre, obnoxious flashing lights on the walls, a table full of food, and is that a snow machine in the corner? There's even holiday-themed songs playing, such as 'All I Want For Christmas Is Calhoun', 'Joy to Calhoun', 'Silent Test Subjects', and, of course, 'We Wish You A Merry Betrayal'. (Well... mostly holiday-themed. At least they have the same tune, so if you can just ignore the lyrics, it'll be close enough.) Dressed in a Santa Claus outfit, Calhoun sits in a large red chair in the back and yells at everyone to come closer. He strokes his fake beard (which... he put over his gas mask...) as he speaks. "Meeeeeerry Christmas, test subjects! Welcome to my holiday party! Because I'm such a saint, I took it upon myself to spread some cheer and joy into you dull bunch. You're so depressing sometimes, I have to wonder who died," he snickers to himself. "Anyway! I'm pushing back the Ambidex Rounds by a few days. I know, I know, I'm disappointed too! But I'm only one mouse, so you can't rush these things. So, you can have this party in the meanwhile." "Also, since it's Christmas, I'm letting everyone choose one gift for themselves and their beeeeestest friend. Of course, I have final say on whether you can get it or not, so don't get your hopes up, but Lord Calhoun, just how do I get these gifts, you may say. It's quite simple! Just sit on my warm lap and tell me how kind and giving I am, then you can have your present! Isn't that nice?" "So, get to it! Hee-ho-ho!" BASIC INFO ✖ EVENT STATIONS ✖ MINGLE ✖ POST-EVENT MINGLE OOC REQUESTS

Comments

[detectiveofthewest]

Heiji rolled up in his fucking green Meowy Christmas sweater, but who knew, maybe he could 'you filthy animeow' on the bottom. Maybe that would work. Whatever, it was clothing.

"Hey, Jake, you gonna go for this 'Santa Calhoun' deal?"

[fairsfair]

Wow, that was a very......... uh, good choice in sweaters? That pun, Jake couldn't help but groan internally. Ughhhhhh.

"Not if I have to sit on his lap. Nothing would convince me to do that," he said while staring at Heiji, pretty much silently asking 'are you going to do it, are you going to be desperate enough to sit on a robotic rodent's lap'.

[detectiveofthewest]

"Really? I mean, I ain't real keen on the idea myself, but you might be able to break off one of his legs."

Heiji was going to do it. He was seriously going to sit on Santa Calhoun's lap, fuck pride, he needed supplies in case one of you nerds got cut again. In fact, hmm...

"You absolutely set on that? Cause I'd be okay with payin' you or trading you somethin' to do it and get stuff for me."

[fairsfair]

He did like the idea of breaking off Calhoun's legs and probably beating the rat with them, but he didn't want to get anywhere near Calhoun.

But anyway, Jake was now curious as to what Heiji wanted enough that he would pay him. "Yeah, but what do you want?"

[detectiveofthewest]

"Just practical stuff. Since we have limited supplies down here, we should use the opportunity to get somethin' useful. I was thinkin' a Swiss army knife or some duct tape. Maybe one of them Maglites. Might be able to think of somethin' better."

He looked thoughtful. "For my present, I was gonna ask for a first aid kit. Otherwise, I gotta either betray someone or pay 15 BP just to be able to treat someone's wound, right? That ain't ideal."

[fairsfair]

That sounded pretty reasonable, honestly. Lord knew that they always needed more med kits with everyone here running into knives like they were everyday occurrences. However, Jake kind of had other gifts in mind, should he ever sit on Calhoun's lap (or just wait till the end of the day then find out that he can just use the suggestion box).

"Makes sense, but why are you asking me to get something? Why not someone else?" Because why would anyone trust Jake, even after all this time...

[detectiveofthewest]

"'Cause you're the only one who ain't plan on getting anything on your own," said Heiji. "I mean, take Hershel. He's probably worryin' himself bald over who to pick and what to get 'em. Putting some real thought into it, y'know? I bet whatever he settles on is going to make someone's life a little better. Sasuke, Clive, and them, too. They're all gonna have something in mind already. I think that's fine. Even if it ain't something practical, it'll make 'em happy, and that's important 'cause there's not too much to be happy about in here."

"But if you're not planning on getting anything for yourself, then why not? Even if you change your mind and ask for whatever ya want, you'll get something to make your own life a little easier, right? Like if you asked for a med kit, I bet Hershel wouldn't fuss over you so much. Or I guess you could ask for some booze or somethin'."

[fairsfair]

TL;DR. Heiji, you talk too much. You're going to lull Jake to sleep one day.

But he did have a good point. Jake couldn't see Hershel not fussing over this. That kid had a real problem with thinking about others all the time. He really needed to think about himself now and then (or always like Jake).

"... Not going to make any promises, so don't get your hopes up. Might already have something in mind, so try asking someone else as well. Make a deal with them."

[detectiveofthewest]

THEN STOP ASKING HIM OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS, JAKE. Or, you know, feel free to do so if you're feeling sleepy.

Heiji waved a hand. "It's fine with me if you wanna ask for somethin' else. Just don't leave a freebie like that on the table, 'cause the only one who benefits from that is Calhoun."

Look at Jake, already considering present ideas. Christmas was saved. "Oh yeah, whattaya eat for Christmas in Ukraine?"

[fairsfair]

HE DOESN'T MEAN IT, how is this happening to him, why is he talking with a TL;DR machine?

Jake just shrugged off Heiji's advice. You ain't his ma, but hmm, back in Ukraine. "I probably just had kutia then borsch, but I guess varenyky, pirog, pampushky for dessert." No, he wasn't going to explain what each dish was, unless Heiji asked. He was just going off from the top of his head. He didn't really have big Christmas dinners or anything, just had to make due with whatever extra money he had around. "Nothing like whatever you had in Japan."

[detectiveofthewest]

It is a mystery...

Whatever Jake, everyone knew you were going to cave and ask Calhoun for stuff. "I don't know what any of those are. But Christmas dinners really ain't that big in Japan. We just kind of stole a bunch of stuff from the US, like the trees and Santa and so on. Also everyone eats fried chicken, I guess."

[fairsfair]

"... Fried chicken, for Christmas." Just giving him a look, like this was your Christmas tradition, to sit around and eat fucking KFC. Yes, this was the true meaning of Christmas: an old guy shoving chicken down your throat...

[detectiveofthewest]

SHUT UP OLD MAN, YOU CAN'T TELL HIM WHAT TO EAT FOR CHRISTMAS.

"Hey, we ain't even have a Christmas before the U.S. showed up." It wasn't his fault that Americans were really, really good at brand marketing ok.

[fairsfair]

HE CAN AND HE WILL BECAUSE WHAT THE SHIT MAN

"Don't Americans eat turkey and cake for Christmas, not fried chicken?" Dude, don't try to get away from this question because why fucking fried chicken.

[detectiveofthewest]

FINE, they can discuss the Colonel if Jake loved him so much gdi

"Yeah, but back in the day, KFC made this huge marketing push to promote it as something ya eat for that time of year. And it worked, I guess. So now we just eat it for Christmas, okay? It's like how Americans buy all those chocolates on Valentine's Day, even though the guy got stoned and beheaded."

[fairsfair]

Colonel Sanders/Jake Muller, my OTP. C-Colonel-senapi... please notice me.

"Then good for KFC," he guesses... That's one way to make a shitload of money during the holidays. "And don't you have Valentine's Day over in Japan as well, the same thing with chocolates?" He actually does not know a lot about Japan. No real need to head over there or learn about it, really.

[detectiveofthewest]

Maybe this year...

"Yeah, we got Valentine's Day on February 14, when women give men chocolate. Then White Day on March 14, when men return the favor." How egalitarian, even if technically White Day was a made up imaginary holiday whatever whatever.

"White Day ain't spread to Ukraine, far as I know, but you guys do Valentine's Day, right?"

[fairsfair]

"Yeah, haven't heard of White Day but Valentine's Day is a thing. Give chocolates and roses, go out to dinner, the usual. Never really paid too much attention to it, though, so beats me." Jake and having a romantic date? His only romantic dates were getting his pay and rolling in money. Ah, that was the life.

[detectiveofthewest]

Come to think of it, was this... the first time Jake had ever mentioned anything romantic? Like, ever? He was pretty sure it was. Somehow Heiji had never even thought of Jake and romance in the same sentence or if he had he'd scrubbed it from his brain hahaha okay no

"Hey, you think you dated anyone before you came here?"

[fairsfair]

There was a reason why he never brought up romance because gossipy assholes like Heiji would have a field day with it.

"Why do you want to know?" Giving him The Look because why would you possibly want to know that piece of info.

[detectiveofthewest]

"'Cause we were talking about Valentine's Day, and you said ya didn't pay much attention to it. But you're older than me, so I figured ya might have at some point."

Look, Jake. If you wanted everyone to assume you were some kind of 70 year old dateless loser, Heiji could oblige you. But he was actually giving you the benefit of the doubt.

[fairsfair]

He let out a small tsk like he knew talking about Valentine's Day was a bad idea, he should have never engaged in this.

"Can't tell ya since we all got this thing called amnesia here, so even if I did, I wouldn't remember." That was the best way to dodge the question, right? Yeah, totally. Now, time to flip this around to get the attention off him. "What about you? Remember anyone special back home?"

[detectiveofthewest]

"I remember a friend or two, but most of my memories ain't really about friends or family," said Heiji, looking thoughtful. That was another thing that was a little weird about his recollections thus far.

"If I did have someone, I'd be in trouble..."

[fairsfair]

"What, worried because girls won't go for some kidnapped and experimented guy? Oddly specific to be concerned about," he joked because Jake's jokes were fucking awful.

[detectiveofthewest]

"Whatcha talking about? After I get out of here, I'll be like ten times more popular for survivin' some guy's crazy kidnapping scheme." Wow, Heiji sure seemed confident about that. He'd say a hundred times, but lbr how much more popular could you get.

"Anyway, that's two questions in a row. Hmm... so what kinda girl do you like?"