vivarium | All I Want For Christmas Is Calhoun

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All I Want For Christmas Is Calhoun

Well, it's yet another day of AB Rounds. For anyone keeping track, it's been three days since their second Calhoun Hour event, so they're back to playing in these terrible puzzle rooms. Calhoun even calls everyone to the second floor so time to trek along...

But instead of finding a brand new set of doors, everyone will find... Christmas decorations?

A small Christmas tree in the centre, obnoxious flashing lights on the walls, a table full of food, and is that a snow machine in the corner? There's even holiday-themed songs playing, such as 'All I Want For Christmas Is Calhoun', 'Joy to Calhoun', 'Silent Test Subjects', and, of course, 'We Wish You A Merry Betrayal'. (Well... mostly holiday-themed. At least they have the same tune, so if you can just ignore the lyrics, it'll be close enough.)

Dressed in a Santa Claus outfit, Calhoun sits in a large red chair in the back and yells at everyone to come closer. He strokes his fake beard (which... he put over his gas mask...) as he speaks.

"Meeeeeerry Christmas, test subjects! Welcome to my holiday party! Because I'm such a saint, I took it upon myself to spread some cheer and joy into you dull bunch. You're so depressing sometimes, I have to wonder who died," he snickers to himself. "Anyway! I'm pushing back the Ambidex Rounds by a few days. I know, I know, I'm disappointed too! But I'm only one mouse, so you can't rush these things. So, you can have this party in the meanwhile."

"Also, since it's Christmas, I'm letting everyone choose one gift for themselves and their beeeeestest friend. Of course, I have final say on whether you can get it or not, so don't get your hopes up, but Lord Calhoun, just how do I get these gifts, you may say. It's quite simple! Just sit on my warm lap and tell me how kind and giving I am, then you can have your present! Isn't that nice?"

"So, get to it! Hee-ho-ho!"

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Heiji was just making a mess of his gifts here, but he picked out the best out of several failed attempts and turned it around to show Hershel.

"...It's better than the cat."

Oh my god. Hershel glanced over, unaware of the beauty he was soon to see. When he did it took him a minute to swallow his laughter, keeping the straightest face he can as he answered.

"It's a lovely sheep." He paused. "A lamb? It um- it looks very happy."

He pulled up his own, which is a beautiful picture of a very ugly, glittery maple leaf. "Here, since you expressed such interest in Canadian culture before."

It was a trade that Heiji accepted with due solemnity. At least until he insisted, "It's a sheep! Lambs have skinnier legs!"

Oh well, what was a little more glitter, anyway. "Hey, thanks! I hope you don't mind I didn't get a real present for ya. I thought about gettin' ya a foil or somethin', but you said you wanted to get it for yourself, and Clive..."

"Clive's had it kinda rough, so I wanted to get somethin' to cheer him up."

This time he did laugh quietly, taking the paper. "It's a very lovely sheep, thank you Heiji. I'm quite sure it isn't a dig at my hair or anything." He said dryly.

And then his expression softened. "Don't worry about me, it's quite alright. Clive could certainly use it much more than I could." He answered, placing the paper down. "What were you thinking of asking for him?"

"It really isn't!" Heiji insisted. "I just... y'know, thought you might like them for some reason." Hmm. Hmm.

"I was gonna get him a reporter's notebook and a nice pen. Probably anything actually useful for gettin' us out of here's verboten, right? I guess he could be one of those guys who likes recordin' everything on tape, but those things run out of batteries pretty fast. And tape."

"Uh huh." This is the face of true belief. Truly this wasn't a hair joke, he can feel it.

"I think he had something like that." Hershel mused, referencing the memory he'll tell Heiji about in the other thread but was basically 'Clive and I had an adventure walking around London while Clive did reporter stuff.' "At the very least it'll be useful for him to keep notes of everything happening here. That will be really important upon escape." He paused. "Maybe it will make him feel better too, to have something like that to do. It's nice just to have anything of value to contribute, no matter how small."

Look Hershel, sheep were cute and fluffy and you were cute and fluffy, DEAL WITH IT.

Heiji nodded. "I figure that reporter inside him must be itchin' for the opportunity to get all this down. And I got something for Snake, too, when I see him next. So whatcha going to get for yourself?"

Can't lie, I named this asshole Hershel when I played pokemon recently so Heiji's not wrong here.

"He'll love it, I'm sure. You're right, he could use something nice after all this nonsense." Hershel was pretty pleased, Christmas was fun. "What are you getting Snake?"

And he paused, considering. "I haven't really decided, I'm thinking of using it on someone else though. I was thinking of getting Alfendi one BP, or seeing if Calhoun would agree to that, because then at least he'd have nine and be able to eat when he woke up. Then maybe something for Wirt? He only has one set of clothes, being new and all, maybe that would be a good, practical thing for him."

He sighed. "I'd like to get something for a few people honestly, but I guess that wouldn't be possible or practical- unless it's this." Beautiful sheep.

omg flaaffy

"Huh?" Heiji looked surprised, and a little embarrassed. "Well, um... a scarf so he can keep warm. It gets kinda cold in here sometimes, so..."

"I was going to ask for a first aid kit. Y'know, so then I could use it if anyone got hurt. Clive's already got one of those. If that doesn't work, I'm asking for a Swiss Army knife. You never know when you might need to pick splinters outta someone or open something."

Cutest little shits.

Hershel smiled, ready to tease him about that but pausing- yeah, Snake seemed pretty annoyed about his meddling so maybe he'd calm down the shitlord stuff. Instead he coughed, smooth. "That's lovely, Heiji, I'm sure he'll love it."

"That's a wonderful idea." It really was, good practicality, Heiji. "Make sure to be clear on what you want, I'm afraid Calhoun would try to make it as small and useless as possible otherwise. Do you think he'll give you much trouble about it?"

"Yeah, I hope so. If we weren't in here, I'd get him some books or a nice watch or tie or somethin'." Look at Heiji, being thoughtful.

"I don't see why he should have a problem with it. They don't even cost that much, but who knows? I got a couple other things I can ask for if that don't work out. Anyway, you wanna get something to eat?"

"You're getting very thoughtful, aren't you?" Did I say he wouldn't be a shitlord? Yeah that didn't last long, whoops. "That's definitely something to think about when we leave, we may have missed birthdays and such at this rate."

"I'm sure you'll find a way to haggle it out of him." It was Heiji. And he nodded. "Ah sure, did you celebrate Christmas, Heiji?"

"Wh... what's wrong with being thoughtful?" GJ GJ Hershel, you managed to not be a shitlord for like five whole seconds.

"Huh? Sure, we got Christmas in Japan. What do you like best, breasts or legs?"

That's the real Christmas miracle. "Nothing, it's lovely." He said with a smile, shitlord status at full. "And I'm sure Snake will appreciate it immensely. It's... romantic, I suppose?"

... what. Have just a shocked and scandalized look before he sputtered a response. "W-what? Heiji, what on earth does that have to do with Christmas? That's... crass!" Ruining the sanctity of Christmas??

what

what

what

?????????

"Th-that ain't what I meant!" Heiji sputtered. "I mean chicken! You guys don't eat chicken for Christmas?"

Edited 2014-12-21 23:33 (UTC)

"... what?" Hershel stared a moment before turning bright red. "O-oh I, I mean yes that- I didn't think-"

Oh my god. He covered his face with his hands for a moment before sighing into them and returning to the real world. "... My mistake. You um, you eat a lot of chicken on Christmas? That doesn't seem all that familiar to me for Christmas at least." Nailed it.

Sure you didn't, Hershel. You weren't being corrupted by the power of this place. Your thoughts were not of bee pollen and nectar-draining. You were still in A+ good shape for marriage.......

"Yeah, uh. I guess it makes sense that it'd be different in England. We didn't really have Christmas or anything originally, but a while back KFC had this really successful marketing campaign, I guess. So we just eat fried chicken. And cake."

There was no hope anymore. All he wanted for Christmas was his precious innocence back. His shame.

At least they stopped talking about sexy chicken legs or whatever so Hershel get less red, considering. "I think we have turkey, actually, the more I think of it. I suppose we're a bit of a traditional sort of country to begin with, dinner is a rather large event. A family affair, sitting down together over a large meal, things of that nature."

"Turkey, huh? That's what Americans have for Thanksgiving. But is it any good? I hear it's pretty dry and kinda hard to cook right..."

Not that he'd really know all that much about cooking turkey one way or another, despite the countless hours Heiji no doubt spent slaving over a hot oven.

"I like it, or I think I do." This amnesia stuff was hard. "It's rather hardier than chicken I think- maybe Calhoun's little feast will have some? You can see for yourself then." Hershel mused, glancing over to wherever Calhoun set up their Christmas dinner. He didn't really know much about cooking an entire turkey either, shockingly teenagers aren't versed in this subject. Outrage.

Guess what, there is turkey, and probably KFC too while we're at it. As he headed over he paused by said turkey, gesturing for Heiji to come over and look. "Here we go, this is what I was thinking of." He couldn't help some nostalgia for memories he didn't even have. Did I mention amnesia was weird? It's weird.

"...it's huge!" Jesus fuck, man, turkeys were like chickens on steroids or something. It'd probably take like four or five shots from a handgun to take the turkey on the table down. Or it would have, anyway, if its goose wasn't already cooked.

"But I guess it's still got the same basic parts as a chicken. Oh...!" Heiji put a hand to his forehead. "Jeez, I keep forgetting. I actually do have something else for ya. Couldn't say if it counted as a Christmas present or not, but..."

He held out a necktie, which he'd stolen from one of the puzzle rooms. "Here. If it's too ugly, I guess you could just use it to tie something or wrap a wound."

Calhoun probably had a personal knife fight with many casualties to slay this thing. Hershel looked a littler surprised then impressed that it actually looked pretty good. "It certainly is, how... festive. I wonder if he thought to have this chicken you were talking about."

And he turned, surprised again, though this time at the no doubt ugly tie. He smiled as he took it though. "I can't believe you actually did end up replacing my tie." His poor first tie. He shook his head, looping it around his collar and tying it like a nerd pro. When he was done he raised his brow at Heiji. "Well? How does it look?"

Heiji stifled a laugh, wow Hershel what a nerd. "Not bad, considerin'. I don't know how you can wear stuff like that all the time, though. Ain't it get in the way?"

But that was beside the point. For now, turkey. "Alright, now let's see how good this turkey of yours is! Uh, where do ya start, though?" Because that was one big freakin' bird. He picked up a large carving knife and... oversized fork? Is that what this was?

"I guess ya cut it up and put pieces on a plate?"

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3/3 happy christmas hershel

the spirit is alive here

hershel, you HARLOT

mind constantly in the gutter, i'm sorry for him

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