vivarium | All I Want For Christmas Is Calhoun

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All I Want For Christmas Is Calhoun

Well, it's yet another day of AB Rounds. For anyone keeping track, it's been three days since their second Calhoun Hour event, so they're back to playing in these terrible puzzle rooms. Calhoun even calls everyone to the second floor so time to trek along...

But instead of finding a brand new set of doors, everyone will find... Christmas decorations?

A small Christmas tree in the centre, obnoxious flashing lights on the walls, a table full of food, and is that a snow machine in the corner? There's even holiday-themed songs playing, such as 'All I Want For Christmas Is Calhoun', 'Joy to Calhoun', 'Silent Test Subjects', and, of course, 'We Wish You A Merry Betrayal'. (Well... mostly holiday-themed. At least they have the same tune, so if you can just ignore the lyrics, it'll be close enough.)

Dressed in a Santa Claus outfit, Calhoun sits in a large red chair in the back and yells at everyone to come closer. He strokes his fake beard (which... he put over his gas mask...) as he speaks.

"Meeeeeerry Christmas, test subjects! Welcome to my holiday party! Because I'm such a saint, I took it upon myself to spread some cheer and joy into you dull bunch. You're so depressing sometimes, I have to wonder who died," he snickers to himself. "Anyway! I'm pushing back the Ambidex Rounds by a few days. I know, I know, I'm disappointed too! But I'm only one mouse, so you can't rush these things. So, you can have this party in the meanwhile."

"Also, since it's Christmas, I'm letting everyone choose one gift for themselves and their beeeeestest friend. Of course, I have final say on whether you can get it or not, so don't get your hopes up, but Lord Calhoun, just how do I get these gifts, you may say. It's quite simple! Just sit on my warm lap and tell me how kind and giving I am, then you can have your present! Isn't that nice?"

"So, get to it! Hee-ho-ho!"

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Sure you didn't, Hershel. You weren't being corrupted by the power of this place. Your thoughts were not of bee pollen and nectar-draining. You were still in A+ good shape for marriage.......

"Yeah, uh. I guess it makes sense that it'd be different in England. We didn't really have Christmas or anything originally, but a while back KFC had this really successful marketing campaign, I guess. So we just eat fried chicken. And cake."

There was no hope anymore. All he wanted for Christmas was his precious innocence back. His shame.

At least they stopped talking about sexy chicken legs or whatever so Hershel get less red, considering. "I think we have turkey, actually, the more I think of it. I suppose we're a bit of a traditional sort of country to begin with, dinner is a rather large event. A family affair, sitting down together over a large meal, things of that nature."

"Turkey, huh? That's what Americans have for Thanksgiving. But is it any good? I hear it's pretty dry and kinda hard to cook right..."

Not that he'd really know all that much about cooking turkey one way or another, despite the countless hours Heiji no doubt spent slaving over a hot oven.

"I like it, or I think I do." This amnesia stuff was hard. "It's rather hardier than chicken I think- maybe Calhoun's little feast will have some? You can see for yourself then." Hershel mused, glancing over to wherever Calhoun set up their Christmas dinner. He didn't really know much about cooking an entire turkey either, shockingly teenagers aren't versed in this subject. Outrage.

Guess what, there is turkey, and probably KFC too while we're at it. As he headed over he paused by said turkey, gesturing for Heiji to come over and look. "Here we go, this is what I was thinking of." He couldn't help some nostalgia for memories he didn't even have. Did I mention amnesia was weird? It's weird.

"...it's huge!" Jesus fuck, man, turkeys were like chickens on steroids or something. It'd probably take like four or five shots from a handgun to take the turkey on the table down. Or it would have, anyway, if its goose wasn't already cooked.

"But I guess it's still got the same basic parts as a chicken. Oh...!" Heiji put a hand to his forehead. "Jeez, I keep forgetting. I actually do have something else for ya. Couldn't say if it counted as a Christmas present or not, but..."

He held out a necktie, which he'd stolen from one of the puzzle rooms. "Here. If it's too ugly, I guess you could just use it to tie something or wrap a wound."

Calhoun probably had a personal knife fight with many casualties to slay this thing. Hershel looked a littler surprised then impressed that it actually looked pretty good. "It certainly is, how... festive. I wonder if he thought to have this chicken you were talking about."

And he turned, surprised again, though this time at the no doubt ugly tie. He smiled as he took it though. "I can't believe you actually did end up replacing my tie." His poor first tie. He shook his head, looping it around his collar and tying it like a nerd pro. When he was done he raised his brow at Heiji. "Well? How does it look?"

Heiji stifled a laugh, wow Hershel what a nerd. "Not bad, considerin'. I don't know how you can wear stuff like that all the time, though. Ain't it get in the way?"

But that was beside the point. For now, turkey. "Alright, now let's see how good this turkey of yours is! Uh, where do ya start, though?" Because that was one big freakin' bird. He picked up a large carving knife and... oversized fork? Is that what this was?

"I guess ya cut it up and put pieces on a plate?"

Height of fashion. "No, not really. You get used to it pretty quickly, and it's-" He struggled for a minute with what to say. "-respectable? I don't know, it's just a proper sort of thing to wear, you know?" Loser.

He tried not to laugh, but he was definitely smiling. "Ah, yes, mostly you carve what you'd like- you could have a leg there, or some of the breast meat." He paused. "You know this is a part of the tradition, carving the turkey. The head of the household usually has the honors after giving thanks."

Heiji thought about this for a second, then handed the knife and fork (????) over to Hershel. "Then you do it, Hershel. Outta the two of us, you're the only one formally dressed. Besides, I don't know how you say thanks for Christmas."

CAN YOU HANDLE THIS RESPONSIBILITY, NERD

"I-" No, he is not ready, this is the weight of the world on his shoulders right now. Carving a turkey with his nerd, fencing arms, this can only end in disaster, truly. "I-I suppose, yes, of course."

"Though I really don't think this is formally dressed..." He stared at the turkey. It stared back only it didn't at all. Hesitantly he cut some of the breast meat off, putting a decent chunk of it on Heiji's plate. No one died, which was surprising but good. "Um, are you religious? I suppose we could say grace and all that." He's really good at this.

"Not really. I'm more into logic and scientific reasoning." Heiji was just that sort of weird nonreligious Japanese teenager that for some reason still adhered to Buddhist and Shinto traditions whenever it seemed culturally appropriate.

"Are you? Is there somethin' special we gotta do?"

"I agree, honestly." Who the hell knew what religion was in Layton even. Maybe puzzle idol worship. Basically he looked relieved he didn't need to say grace awkwardly or if doing so was somehow offensive. "Um, usually you say grace before eating but in this case I don't think it's really necessary. I have a feeling if we went thanking God or anything for the food Calhoun would pop in to say you're welcome."

There's your turkey, man, he went and put some other things on the plate- bread sauce, chestnut stuffing, roasted potatoes, parsnips, the works. When he was done he handed the plate to Heiji with a smile. "There you are, now that's a Christmas dinner. A bit of a far cry from chicken and cake, I assume."

Bread sauce? Parsnips? What the heck was this? But it was apparently what British teenagers ate for Christmas, so...

"Thanks! Y'know, you seem to know your way around this Christmas turkey thing pretty well." He tried some of the turkey and... hmm, definitely different. Kind of like chicken? But not exactly, in a way that was hard to describe. It wasn't as good as blowfish hotpot, but whatevs, down the hatch.

This is England according to the internet, my American mind still doesn't understand what the heck a bread sauce is. Sounds awful, but Hershel's probably all about it.

"Maybe... I doubt I ever carved before." Hershel picked at the parsnips, yeah this was weirdly nostalgic for memories he didn't actually have, it was bizarre and a little offputting. "What do you think your Christmas's were like before this? maybe you spent some of them with that friend... Kazuha, was it?"

Disgusting, the British were disgusting. That was the take-home message here. Unless bread sauce meant stuffing with gravy, in which case acceptable.

"Wh-what? Why would ya say that?" Heiji demanded, which was actually kind of a weird and suspicious reaction actually.

"...Look, um. In Japan, you spend Christmas with your boyfriend or girlfriend. Like you can hang out with other people, I guess, but... if you're dating, it's more like Valentine's Day."

What the hell is this. I guess enjoy Heiji. Hershel was eating his weird bread soup at least, so it's probably not poisoned.

"... Um, you seemed close I guess?" Hershel wasn't sure why this sudden weird reaction, what the heck, but then Heiji continued and his eyes widened. "O-oh... I just thought- well you spend Christmas with family and friends too, right? So..."

Like Valentine's Day, huh? Weird. "Hey Heiji, do you think you've ever dated before Snake? Now that you have more memories to go off of and such."

That was disgusting, it wasn't even sauce it was like porridge or something. DOWN WITH BRITAIN.

"No, it's... Christmas wasn't originally a Japanese holiday, so some of the traditions didn't translate over exactly. We do give presents, though. And you can spend it with family and friends if you want."

Wow, Hershel. Wow. Wow.

Heiji turned red. "...I don't... think so. Why?"

Blood pudding too, they're a menace.

"It's strange to think of it as a romantic holiday... I suppose that's rather sweet in it's own way. Are there any other holidays you celebrate around this time?" Cultural exchanges are fun.

And don't wow him, gossip man. "Curiosity, I guess. You're a tad strange, you get along so easily with everyone but you're so shy when it comes to things of a romantic nature." He mused, what a shitlord. Not wrong though.

"I'm not shy, I'm normal!! I can't believe the kinda things you and Snake can talk about with a straight face. And Alfendi's some kinda monster." A horrible monster that smelt of stale pizza and bad decisions. "Maybe you really were dating someone before ya came here."

But anyways. "New Year's is a way bigger holiday. And I guess not long after that is the Coming of Age festival. It's for people turning twenty. You dress up all formal, and there are speeches and parties and so on."

"Oh come now, Heiji, there's nothing wrong with being shy." Hershel argued- he couldn't argue that Alfendi was a monster, at least. That was true. "Especially if this is your first relationship. There's nothing to be ashamed of."

"What do you do on New Year's?" He asked after basically calling Heiji a moe schoolgirl or whatever. "I can't say I've heard of anything like that festival either, it doesn't sound particularly festive so much as formal and official."

"Wha... you just said it was strange!" Shut up about how he was a moe schoolgirl who'd never dated anyone before, dammit Hershel, worst friend ever. WHAT HAPPENED TO NOT BEING A SHITLORD.

"Anyway, decorations go up all over the place, and ya eat noodles, and I guess Kouhaku comes on during New Year's eve. It's this show where a bunch of female music artists and a bunch of male ones all compete for the Red and White battle.

"On the actual day, you gotta live it like you want the whole rest of the year to go. Um... I guess you visit a shrine, and then there's all kinds of special food you eat, like mochi. Oh yeah, and the temples all ring their bells 108 times for each of the 108 human sins."

Look he never said not a shitlord forever okay. Embrace your inner moe schoolgirl. "I meant more... unexpected, is all." Hershel assured him, what a friend.

"From what I recall we mostly just celebrate on the stroke of midnight, nothing as involved as all that. Is it more religious of an event over there, with the temples and such?" He asked, rather than continue to call Heiji a moe schoolgirl so merry christmas, friend.

"A lot of Japanese traditions have roots in Buddhism or Shinto, but... for most people, I think it's just somethin' they do and they don't even think about it that much. Like in America they say 'oh my god' all right time, yeah? But that ain't mean whoever it is is super religious."

At least he was pretty sure it didn't, who knew about Americans man.

"Of course, one of the nicer things about it is the girls in kimono."

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All I Want For Christmas Is Calhoun

hershel, you HARLOT

mind constantly in the gutter, i'm sorry for him

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