vivarium | All I Want For Christmas Is Calhoun

Well, it's yet another day of AB Rounds. For anyone keeping track, it's been three days since their second Calhoun Hour event, so they're back to playing in these terrible puzzle rooms. Calhoun even calls everyone to the second floor so time to trek along...

But instead of finding a brand new set of doors, everyone will find... Christmas decorations?

A small Christmas tree in the centre, obnoxious flashing lights on the walls, a table full of food, and is that a snow machine in the corner? There's even holiday-themed songs playing, such as 'All I Want For Christmas Is Calhoun', 'Joy to Calhoun', 'Silent Test Subjects', and, of course, 'We Wish You A Merry Betrayal'. (Well... mostly holiday-themed. At least they have the same tune, so if you can just ignore the lyrics, it'll be close enough.)

Dressed in a Santa Claus outfit, Calhoun sits in a large red chair in the back and yells at everyone to come closer. He strokes his fake beard (which... he put over his gas mask...) as he speaks.

"Meeeeeerry Christmas, test subjects! Welcome to my holiday party! Because I'm such a saint, I took it upon myself to spread some cheer and joy into you dull bunch. You're so depressing sometimes, I have to wonder who died," he snickers to himself. "Anyway! I'm pushing back the Ambidex Rounds by a few days. I know, I know, I'm disappointed too! But I'm only one mouse, so you can't rush these things. So, you can have this party in the meanwhile."

"Also, since it's Christmas, I'm letting everyone choose one gift for themselves and their beeeeestest friend. Of course, I have final say on whether you can get it or not, so don't get your hopes up, but Lord Calhoun, just how do I get these gifts, you may say. It's quite simple! Just sit on my warm lap and tell me how kind and giving I am, then you can have your present! Isn't that nice?"

"So, get to it! Hee-ho-ho!"

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"...They have a really good marketing campaign," said Heiji. "I mean, like... they dress up the Colonel in a Santa suit and everything."

This was what America had wrought...

"Well, I guess I gotta try some ham, then. But what're 'loaded' potatoes? Are those like mashed potatoes?"

Really. I guess I'm startled because in America, the Colonel is fast food. Christmas is a holiday to get together with family and the meal is prepared as much by hand as possible. So not a lot of people associate fast food with a Christmas dinner. Not to mention everything is closed.

Loaded potatoes are a catch-all term. They could contain cheese, green onions, bacon, all sorts of things. Also lots of butter.

"Well, it's fast food in Japan, too? But I mean, if you ain't spendin' it with your boyfriend or girlfriend or somethin', it's not like Christmas is a big family thing. I mean, you got people like that in America, too, right? Like Jewish people go to Chinese restaurants 'cause they're open." The More you Know ~~*

Heiji made a bit of a face. "That seems a bit much for potatoes."

Well, yes, I will admit that about people who don't celebrate Christmas and Chinese restaurants. You have a point.

No, they make potatoes better. *He will fight you on this.*

But wait a minute. If they have everything here...does that mean...does that mean they have coffee? *Because Snake would totally sing a Hallelujah chorus for real coffee.*

"Blech. You guys put too much butter in your food." Never going to convince him that putting cheese in potatoes was a good idea, man.

"Let's go check!" Heiji took Snake's arm (presumably his hands were occupied by cocoa and cake) and led him over to the main table. "Let's see, here's that ham you were talking about. Looks like some vegetables, cookies... oh, the drinks are over here. Yeah, I guess coffee counts as Christmas food."

Well, we should finish off what we have, rest a bit and then have a proper dinner. Of apparently ham, potatoes, coffee and KFC.

Heiji shrugged. "Normally, I'd agree with you. But since this is all on Calhoun's dime, we should just sample whatever we want, and who cares if it's proper or not? There's no telling when we'll get to eat this stuff again."

Hmmm. Very true, Heiji. Let's go forth and have a Christmas dinner.

Heiji grinned brightly. "And let's not clean up afterwards!"

First lets finish this cake and hot chocolate. Then we can fill our plates. Then, since it's supposedly Christmas, that's the holiday for couples in Japan, right?

"Oh... you remembered, huh?" Heiji was thrown, but only for a moment before he smiled at Snake.

"Yeah, that's right. It's kind of like Valentine's Day in the middle of winter."

Although if you want to be technical, Christmas is at the start of winter, not in the middle.

So what do couples do for Christmas, other than give gifts?

"Stuff like go on walks together to look the light displays. A lot of people make reservations at a nice restaurant, so it's tough to get a spot unless you planned in advance -- Americans do that for New Year's instead, right?

"And after that... um, go to a... hotel..." Apparently there was something innately embarrassing about hotels, who knew.

Not that I remember specifically but generally trying to eat anywhere at a nice restaurant is impossible. I think movie theaters are crowded as well.

A hotel? Really. How amorous.

"Yeah? For New Year's, we do a bunch of other stuff. Not see movies, but go to wish for good health and stuff like that. What you do on New Year's is supposed to set the tone for how the rest of the year is going to go."

Why did Snake know about hotels? ...Although that did mean he didn't have to explain it, so that was good.

Possibly better than getting rather drunk at a friend's party.

*He probably doesn't know about LOVE hotels. Just regular hotels.*

And perhaps he would never know.

Heiji, grateful for this unexpected reprieve, grabbed a sugar cookie shaped like a Christmas tree and took a bite. "Sounds like somethin' old guys do. Here, have one of these cookies, they're pretty good."

Oh, well thank you. This is quite the enjoyable day, Heiji. *And enjoyable company, indeed.*

"Yeah?" He leaned over and gave Snake a quick kiss on the cheek, smiling warmly as he did so. Apparently, he was just not particularly worried about other people seeing them. "I think so, too."

"By the way, how do you like your coffee? Y'know, just for reference."

One cream, one sugar. *He knew this because he gave Hershel a lesson on how to fix a proper cup of coffee.*

"Yeah? I'll remember that." Of course, it seemed unlikely that they'd have many chances to actually put that knowledge to practice in here.

"I'm more into tea, I guess. But iced coffee's pretty popular in Osaka."

All I Want For Christmas Is Calhoun

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