vivarium | ambidex voting #15

Oh... yes. He had to get hold of himself. He needed to get it together. So what if he was now reduced to the level of the ~~cultureless swine~~ irritating Tokyoites who always gave him shit, he should tell Sasuke about the room...

"They... Zero took us into a room and gave us each a memory. But not our own memories. The memory of another person here. I got yours..."

God this shit was so weird.

...Wait, what? He can just give out memories to different people?

That's... honestly kind of ominous considering this is Zero they're talking about, but it also can't really be helped at this point.

"...What happened in it?"

"You..." Heiji rubbed at the back of his neck, looking unhappy with the situation. Very unhappy, in fact. Still, he dropped out of the tree, landing on the grass so he could speak to Sasuke face-to-face.

"Listen, are you sure you want to know everything? It's your memory, so I don't feel right keeping it from you if you want to know. It's just that... it wasn't a very easy memory."

Of course it wasn't. That's how Zero seems to roll.

"Just tell me."

Did it explain why he knew how to use knives the way he did...? Because he somehow doubts that's an especially good memory.

Heiji sighed and began recounting the memory with a detective's attention to detail, describing the rope burns and injuries, the way that Yuusuke had left after losing interest. But he wasn't at all sure how to describe Sasuke's own thought process to him -- the extent of the self-hatred he'd felt in Sasuke's memory.

"You were used to it. You knew exactly how far he'd go, and how to hide the bruises. And then you just... went back to studying. I don't know why your brother did what he did..." Heiji's tone turned hotter, incensed.

"But I don't care what kind of damage he had; there's no excuse for treating your family like that!" He was still speaking in Japanese; he had started because no one else here could understand their conversation if he did so.

Not after Kuzuryuu had been quarantined, anyway...

...Oh.

He listens in silence, his expression clearly stunned at first before settling into a sort of... resignation. He'd always thought the memories he had of Yuusuke seemed off somehow.

Now he knows why.

"...I see." He switches to Japanese for all the good it does, considering how little he finds he has to say on the subject. So that's why he was scared when Fukuta mentioned Yuusuke in passing, huh...?

"...I'm sorry you had to see that." And he really means it; with the way the memory regains work here, it couldn't have been much fun to go through.

As for his own feelings on it... Well, he'll probably sort them out later.

"What are you apologizing for? It's not your fault your brother treated you like that. It's not your fault I got that memory, either." True, Heiji was a bit upset with Sasuke, but not because he had to relive one of Sasuke's memories.

"There was another part to your memory, you know. I didn't really get it before. But look, it's okay to cry if you're feeling down, or laugh or yell or whatever. You don't have to be on lockdown all the time. We're not.... like that."

He was honestly about to lose himself to his thoughts for a moment there, the pieces starting to click together with this new information. But Heiji's words grab his attention again, his gaze sharpening slightly as he processes it.

"...What do you mean?"

Huh. Sasuke looked surprised to hear what he had to say -- so he maybe he hadn't remembered enough about his brother to recall all those negative feelings. Maybe the blank expression was just... habit?

"I got the feeling that after a while of that treatment, you had to find some way of fighting back, and stonewalling your brother was your way of doing that. I was thinking you acted that way toward us because you were afraid we were going to hurt you, too... but maybe I was wrong."

Fighting back by... doing nothing? He supposes he can see how it could work in theory: if you don't react, people may lose interest and give up for a time. But it also sounds sort of...

Well, really pathetic.

He shakes his head slightly. "...I trust everyone here. It isn't because I think you'll hurt me or anything. It's... just the way I am." Although now he has to wonder... just how long had he been that way?

"Yeah?" Well, Sasuke sounded honest enough. "You looked really different in that picture of yours, though. That's why I thought it was something you picked up later..."

Then again, teenagers were basically eating and angsting machines. Hmm. Hmm.

He sighed. "You just seem really down on yourself sometimes. That's why Hershel and I worry about you so much." Well, that and all the ninjuries.

There really just isn't any comparison, is there? He looked so happy back then, but these days, he's-- well, bland at best. He's always been aware, to some extent, but it was just the way he naturally acted. Hearing this, though...

...No. He'll think about it later. He's already growing uncomfortable at the thought alone.

"...I think I'm just quiet, that's all." That sounds a little bit better than 'boring,' at least. "You really don't have to worry about it." At the moment, at least, he's doing just fine - better than some of the others, honestly. Hearing about this memory has him pretty unsettled, but...

Does he really have any room to complain?

Was Heiji buying that?

...

...Yeah, no. It was true that some people were just naturally quiet, and Sasuke might even have been one of those kids. But even the very quiet sometimes looked happy, and had Heiji ever seen Sasuke crack a smile? Even discreetly? Well, maybe once. And that collection of negative emotions he'd felt from that memory...

"It's because you're always telling us not to worry that we're worried!" Still, what could he do at this point? If Sasuke didn't remember hating himself, Heiji didn't want to tell Sasuke he hated himself. That would just make Sasuke hate himself.

"Alright, I guess we can't drag it out of you. Just... don't let things keep piling up until you're overwhelmed."

It's the catch-22 of dealing with Sasuke, unfortunately.

"Then what am I supposed to say?" How else is he supposed to reassure them? He really isn't as badly off as everyone seems to think he is. And as for the last part.

"...I won't." Because he can deal, and he won't be overwhelmed, so clearly there's no problem here.

"You ever read a detective novel? Full denial is never a good cover if there are already a couple of holes in your story. Think about the ex-con who gets picked up by the police right next to a big jewelry heist. One of the bank tellers sees one of his buddies in the getaway van, right? But when he's questioned he goes, 'Honest, copper, I never even seen the place!" No one's going to believe that.

"But what if he says 'Yeah, I heard about the job. But I wasn't there to do the smash and grab; I was tryin' to convince my buddy not to go through with it and ruin his life. I know what it's like in the slammer.' If you've got a rep, your best bet is to cop to some things instead of denying everything. Know what I'm saying?"

Was... Heiji offering Sasuke tips to conceal his ninjuries...

"Of course, in your case, it might just be better to come clean."

That was... an elaborate example. But wait--

"There's nothing to come clean on." It's a rather curt response. "And I don't have a reputation."

...

"...Do I?"

"Well, kind of. You do tend to minimize things when you're hurt. Like after the red room, when Bluebell got your shoulder. Or how you sort of played it down about lessening someone else's punishment. Not tryin' to throw shade on how well you've been holding up so far -- you're plenty tough."

He paused. "...Actually, I guess you're not the only one that does it, either, since Jake just flat-out refuses to accept medical supplies. But still... yeah, you do keep quiet when the warehouse takes a swipe at you."

"That's because I know I can handle them. I haven't been hurt as seriously as some of the other people here." Alfendi. Clive.

"Well... most of the time, anyway." You did fall out of that one tree, buddy.

"But I do kind of get where you're coming from. Hershel always fusses when I get stabbed, except I've been stabbed before. It's not exactly a walk in the park, but I'm not going to faint dead away or anything, either."

He looked thoughtful. "I don't know, then. Maybe I just own it more. Like when something happens to me, I'm just like, 'Yeah, someone stuck a knife in me, but I'll be okay'."

"...Somehow, I get the feeling that will only worry him more." Yeah, it's... pretty much exclusively about Hershel now. He appreciates the care, but the fretting is really unnecessary.

"You think so?" Heiji frowned a little in thought, putting one hand on his hip. "It always works for me, though. And if it doesn't, you can always just tell him to back off."

If you weren't afraid that Hershel would come for you in the night and cut your wigs up, of course.

But that would be terribly rude. He's not from Osaka; he doesn't like to be blunt.

"I don't want to tell him off when he's trying to help, either."

WOW, RUDE. SUPER RUDE.

"Well, then, guess you're stuck! You're just gonna have to suffer your way through it." Someone else getting fussed at that wasn't him? Party.

Heiji you jerk.

"...I'll ask for help if I need it. But you don't need to help him hunt me down if I don't."

Heiji raised an eyebrow. "Wow, that's kind of rude. You calling me a bloodhound or something?"

He lifted a hand in a wave. "I'm going to go check on the others -- see you later."

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not_that_sasuke - 2015-03-11 05:53 (UTC) - Expand