vivarium | ambidex voting #17

You're kind of a- [he stops what he's going to say, we'll never know.] Yes, you're that bad. Possibly worse. Actually you're usually more creative about it, weird bugger that you are.

[nice hershel. his hand doesn't leave alfendi's arm because it's a reminder alfendi's alive and that's kind of still throwing him for a loop. he tries not to call attention to it as he swallows and nods.] Oh, well... we fixed everything I suppose, from when Calhoun lost his marbles. Then there was an event- [still gonna be vague about that, hastily moving on]- then the puzzle rooms. You've seen the grey room now, everyone's been having a pretty hard time with it. Most of the memories aren't pleasant.

[and a pause.] Um, thank you, for helping Ema the way you did. It means a lot.

[probably something terrible and nsfw. shame on you hal jesus fucking christ what a thing to say god]

That doesn't surprise me. None of the memories I've received here have been particularly pleasant. I'm just sorry you had to deal with mine, given the... colourful attitude it seemed to portray me with.

[putting it lightly. he scratches the back of his head and shuffles on the spot. he realizes, for the first time, that his ponytail isn't in, and probably hasn't been since before he was carted out of here. he briefly wonders where his hairtie might be, but ultimately decides it doesn't matter.]

I don't think I helped Ema. I stole her memory, bluntly informed her of her situation and ruined an otherwise wonderful afternoon we were all having. Hardly makes me a hero.

[report me to wankgate probably]

[and he hesitates a moment. how did he explain this.] It wasn't bad, not really, it's just... [how did you explain 'you were jealous of a murderer??' honestly he wasn't entirely sure he should tell alfendi about that at all, maybe it'd be better. but. but. it wouldn't be fair so he awkwardly continues.] Like I said, you're very... intense. In a way you were almost jealous of the murderer. You... I don't know, you enjoyed breaking him down.

[well, good enough!! also brush your hair probably, alfendi.] You did, you could have handled it a lot differently. Even if it seems like nothing to you I think it meant something to her.

Oh. [well. what should he say to that. "murderers are awesome, i can dig it" didn't seem appropriate.]

Well... I hope I didn't frighten you.

[that was hardly an appropriate response, either, but after tucking his hair behind his ear he decides it's best not to pursue this conversation any further. he's not sure he wants to know how deep his underlying misanthropy goes, man. he knows, deep down, that he has a weird affinity for crime, but hershel is acting like it goes to a darker place than he realized and alfendi isn't really ready to hear it.]

Um-- I'm glad. That you think-- that you think I was nice to Ema. I really wasn't sure. I don't talk to people about things like that very often, and she really is a kind girl. Too kind for this place. I don't know how Zero can live with himself, bringing a girl like that to a place like this.

[he's not really sure what to say to that, because frankly it did frighten him a little and he was trying pretty hard to process it in a way that didn't make him more wary about alfendi. they were probably family, alfendi did so much to help him out even when he got hurt for it, he had to give him the benefit of the doubt here. maybe it was just some instinct he used in his job hershel couldn't understand.

well. he offers a shrug after that pause.] I'm sorry I can't be more eloquent with explaining what I saw and felt, I suppose one day you'll remember for yourself. [there, that was safe.]

[and totally nodding.] She is- frankly I don't think Zero even sees us as human sometimes. I don't know how else he could do all this. [he sort of wants to grind his teeth.] What is he hoping to accomplish? Nothing is coming of this, it's a bloody farce. Maybe if he let something get through that thick, bulbous head of his he- [sigh!] Just... I don't understand it.

I suppose one day I will.

[he scratches the back of his neck again, just shoving his hand in his pocket and looking at the ground. he's really not sure how to proceed from here, and it's obvious how much weird self-doubt he's dealing with. ema's memory really did a number on him.]

I'm sure he doesn't. He's just researching people, isn't he? Zero - whoever he is, or whoever he represents - has to be clinical for a reason, whatever that reason may be. It's frightening. I imagine that's why people like Akiko and Simon were introduced; designed to make and impact and be pulled out so the reaction can be observed. We're just subjects. He says so himself.

[he probably should have waited to talk to him about this... whoops.] Maybe when we're both feeling better- [he shakes his head.] Just... don't worry.

[he nods angrily along to that, but apparently mentioning simon was A Bad Thing To Do because suddenly he actually looks really angry.] Don't get me started on bloody Simon. [he wasn't really doing that bud, but yeah he's just going to continue.] That wanker thought we were nothing either, he might as well have been Zero for all his barmy nonsense about strength and survival- I wanted to believe he was coerced, I really did, I really do, but that- ugh. [he buries his face in his hands for a moment, apparently he had been bottling all this in to some extent or something what the hell hershel calm down.] The worst part is I believed him! Even to the end! And what he said about-

[well that deflates him a bit, he just hunches his shoulders, sounding almost embarrassed.] Just a bloody damn tosser, that's all. [...] Sorry.

Edited (bloody damn tosser chip chip cheerio) 2015-04-06 06:45 (UTC)

Okay-- okay. [Alfendi motions for Hershel to calm down.] Yes. He's a twonk. It's okay. He's dead now, I assume. He's out of the way, at least, wherever he ran off to. If he pops up again, I'm sure you could take him, now that you're blessed with this sudden burst of character.

[akiko was too good for this place, too. so is hershel. alfendi... well, he thinks he deserves to be here, personally, but none of these other subjects do. he'll change topic.]

You never told me - your memory, in the grey room. Who got yours? What was it?

... twonk. [god help him he sounded like a teenager amused to hear that word. he hastily tries to regain his complete lack of character.] I know, sorry, it's the- [he gestures to his head vaguely.] Sorry.

[and he tries really hard to not react to being asked that, because really he should have seen it coming yet it still caught him a little off guard.] Sasuke did, get my memory that is.

[he knows it's pretty much suspicious as hell to trail off after that but man, he has no idea what to say or what he even wanted to say or more than anything if he wanted to review what he knew of that memory when his emotions were an alfendi themed rollercoaster, so he glances everywhere but alfendi, struggling to come up with something that didn't require a great deal of thought.]

A friend was angry at me, that about sums it up. [he's not lying...] I messed up something. It's not important, really, not right now. I mean, you're here. You're alive.

[Alfendi nods apologetically when Hershel gestures to his head. He's sorry about that, too. It must suck getting a glimpse into Alfendi's chaotic crazy bullshit without living with it for 29 years beforehand.

he doesn't push Hershel after he closes off so sudenly and obviously, and even though in any other circumstance alfendi would have yelled at him or said his friend was stupid, he just... shuts down himself. he feels guilty for asking hershel about something so serious, he feels like an asshole for putting him through even more than he already has. so he looks away, too, downcast and weirdly nervous. he realizes this anxiety is just from ema's memory, and it annoys him that he feels it, but it's pretty controlling.]

That sounds rough. I'm sorry to hear that. We, uh... we don't have to talk about it. We can talk about something else, if that's easier for you. Like my being alive, or whatever.

N-no, it's not that, or it is that just- [uwagh that's a word, that's how he feels. he huffs a frustrated breath, moving his hand from alfendi's arm to grasping his sleeve without really thinking about it. one day, with memories, he'd probably find it funny in a self depreciating sort of way, given it's always what he did when alfendi was around and he was scared- grabbed his sleeve like keeping alfendi close would keep him safe.]

I can't... it's too much, right now, with all this- [he gestures at his head again with his free hand a little violently.] I'm not... I'm not like this, with all these strong feelings and getting angry and wanting punch Zero's ugly mug in, I don't know how to do it, how you do it, it's exhausting and I don't- that memory, I don't even know how to feel about when I'm not like this, I tried talking to a few people and Ema helped but it's not- [he took a deep breath, apparently just at rambling at this point and his voice getting higher and more strained.] I'm sorry. Shit.

[just pointedly not going to look at alfendi, staring at his big, ugly shoes is probably better as he tries to get this mess under control and fails.] I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm really sorry, Alfendi, for everything. F-for this, for the memory, for the blasted maze and- [i'm the one who's sorry jesus christ, just hearing that he might have gotten randall killed on top of feeling responsible for alfendi's coma in a way on top of rollercoaster emotions isn't a good combination so he's jus going to shake quietly, still clutching alfendi's sleeve and trying very hard not to cry.] Sorry, sorry.

[the anxiety in the pit of alfendi's stomach didn't really reach a head until he saw how badly the grey room's aftereffects had gotten to hershel. there was a thick, gnawing feeling in the back of his throat, like this was all his fault, because of course it was, it was his memory that had rattled the kid so badly. alfendi hated himself for feeling guilty, because this self-doubt was ema's, not his, and it wasn't fair for him to need comfort right now.]

Hey-- hey. Hey, hey, shhh, it's okay.

[he pulled hershel in for a hug, moving his hand in soothing circles over his back. comforting people didn't come naturally for him, he wasn't that kind of person, and he felt like a fraud as he shushed hershel and tried to calm him down. like with many things, hershel deserved better than this, and alfendi had to bite back a worthless, out of place apology.]

Don't worry about the maze. That was my fault, you know that. All of this, the memory, Zero being a twonk - that's not your fault, that's just... we're going through the aftershocks of something bigger than the both of us. We can't really control how things happen in here, but we can control how we react to them, you know? So - rather than dwell on the stupid things we've done, let's just be happy that we're both here. Yeah?

[he tries not to laugh at twonk again because he knows it'll be a little hysterical, coughing instead when he swallows it down and chokes on it.]

Yeah. [probably not the best time to say that because his voice is too think to pretend he's probably not crying a little against alfendi's chest. When he tries again it's muffled but better.] You're right. I'm sorry.

[he doesn't pull back for a bit as he just breaths, though eventually he does and he's still got a hand on alfendi's sleeve.] It wasn't your fault, the maze. This isn't either, my... this. [emotions. well, it is a little alfendi's fault but really more zero's.] Fuck. I hate Zero so much right now.

[alfendi pats hershel's back as he coughs, sighing a little. poor kid. honestly, he's surprised hershel hasn't spent more days like this, bawling and apologizing and letting the pressure of the warehouse get to him. he's too young to be here.]

The maze was absolutely my fault, you oaf. I didn't really give you a choice in all of that, remember? I'm bullheaded and obstinate and a pain in the ass, you know that. The maze was always going to turn out the way that it did.

But... [yeah. zero's a twonk.] Let's just - blame Zero for everything. You can cry if you want to, but don't carry all of this by yourself. That guy's the one who should be crying.

[frankly he's kind of surprised alfendi doesn't get like this sometimes, given how strongly he apparently seemed to feel things sometimes. it'd be impressive if the whole matter wasn't depressing.]

Language. [he tries weakly, offering a smile that doesn't last too long but hey, it was there. he nods along to alfendi's words because he knows they're true, at least the last bit, rubbing at his face almost embarrassed because. well. he's a mess.]

I'm so glad you're back. [like he hasn't made that clear. he lets out a shaky sigh.] I'm sorry, for all this, I know Ema's memory is weighing you down and I- [he frowns] Thank you.

Ah, come on, it's fine. It's nice to feel anxiety and self-doubt over something other than crippling brain damage for once. It's no big deal.

[he's trying to make this situation a little lighter, and he's laughing a little as he says it, but man, he's already second guessing himself again. was it okay for him to say that? does it sound like he's trying to get pity? aahhh. how do people deal with feelings that aren't petulant anger and bloodlust, he doesn't get it]

But - I'm glad I'm back too. I'm just sorry I left. [he pauses.] I mean, no I'm not. Zero's the one that's sorry, probably. He should be, at least.

ambidex voting #17

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